Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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