So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
