A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
