i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
