My Higher Power is John Stamos
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
