You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
