I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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