I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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