I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
