I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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