I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
