so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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