When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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