I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
