my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
you never un-have a 4some
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
