Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
