I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
