i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
