Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
