My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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