is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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