i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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