piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
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