I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
