i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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