I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
