are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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