remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
