Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
