My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
