I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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