also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
