Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
