I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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