can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
