It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
