We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
