The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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