My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
