They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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