So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
