All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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