I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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