there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
please come you make the beer taste better
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
