john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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