I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
the day after is always just damage control
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
