Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
