I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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