Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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