Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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