A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
